Personality Resilience --Preference-switching

Observing preference-switching in times of stress has grabbed my counseling and MBTI (Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator) attention. But before I continue, I asked a blog-reader if she thought it would be a good idea to introduce my blog this week by beginning with a P. S. finishing the snake story. She urged me to do so. Feelers need approval.

When the children told their daddy, “Mommy shot a snake”, Jim asked “With what?” When I said

the 22, he was impressed but said, “A 22 has one bullet that explodes on target so, it’s better to shoot a snake with a shot gun that has many pellets in each shell which sprays a target. He took me outside to demonstrate his shot gun that would shoot twice. I shot it but the kick-back on my shoulder was more than I enjoyed.

A few days later a big ole rattle snake appeared in our drive way. Jim, of course wasn’t home, so I was on duty. I’ve got this covered, I confidently mused to myself. With shotgun in hand at the distance Jim prescribed, I pulled the trigger. Missed. Pulled the second shot. Missed again. So, the arrogant snake slithered away. When Jim heard my sad story, he was puzzled that I could miss twice. “Did you pull the sight up?” “What’s a sight?”. “I should have showed you better”, he soothed. I decided I was out of the snake-shooting business. I’d rather cook or wash windows!

Stories like this reveal the value of opposite preference areas and will hopefully encourage those who yearn to better understand parents, spouses, children, friends, workmates or adjusting to radical responsibilities. We simply defer to opposite preferences easily available to us like the buddies--inhale, exhale. Merely acknowledging the marvelous versatility of our personality works.

Information gathering:

Jim was (Sensing) hands-on, mechanical, facts and figures, liked repetition; focused on today.

I’m (Intuitive) mind-on, ideas, reasons, goals, teacher, counselor, writer; focus on tomorrow.

Decision Making:

Jim was (Thinking) head-logic, made tough decisions and didn’t’ waver. Jim valued trust and respect but did not need approval-from others--his own was sufficient. He appreciated harmony but could work without it. His word was his bond. Thinkers do not automatically ask who wants to go or help. For Thinkers, it’s difficult to give what you don’t need.

I’m (Feeling) heart-logic, decisions fluid, must have harmony, approval, always concerned about assisting others. Feelers are wise to inform Thinkers about their needs and insert themselves into the Thinker’s schedules. For Feelers, it’s difficult not to give what you need.

Jim’s and my dependence and respect for each other’s preferences in gathering information and making decisions provided a conciliatory existence. We excelled in our definite areas of consistent competency. He liked what he was good at, and I liked what I did well. Happy campers.

Now, to my discovery. I’m learning that when you lose someone you’ve been entwined with for 65 years your resilient personality automatically compensates for the missing former contributor. Understanding the nuts and bolts of the severance of our relationship demands that I become more like Jim, that is if I want to continue our safe and stable lifestyle. Preference-switching has become so obvious and fascinating that I just have to share it. I trust that hearing how our personality-differences complemented our relationship, will inspire application to your situation. Remember our slogans: Celebrate not criticize differences and There’s strength in diversity.

My preferred preferences of Heart-logic (Feeling) and people-problem-solving (Intuition) are still intact, but are having to take a back seat for the time being in order to provide balance. I’m having to unlock and access my less-preferred Sensing (facts and figures-hands-on) and Thinking (head logic). I’m in desperate need to continue Jim’s strong preference of hands on-facts and figures by purposely becoming closer to the conscious world. “Pay attention”, Jim would often remind me. I can write all day and forget to eat. I didn’t realize how Jim kept our routine going by sticking his head in my study, “What’s for lunch?” or when I’ve been out weeding past my allotted time I hear “Time to come in.” Or opinions, “Do you have any idea how much that would cost? “There’s no way that would work”. And conversely, at times I’d have to remind him when I needed affirmation. At 10 pm one night, years ago, as my last client left, I said to Jim, “Oh, I’m so tired”, to which he replied “Who makes out your schedule?” “I don’t need a sermon,” I responded, “I need a hug and a word of approval.” He gladly supplied both, though he wouldn’t need the same.

With his absence, I have to intentionally stop and remind myself that when I’m doing Jim-jobs, learning to use his tools, I need to slow down, read the directions and consider facts and figures to cover all the bases before making a decision. I’m blessed to have several thinking sensing people as resources to double check.

Completing repetitive hands-on jobs like raking leaves is not only boring but is very tiring to an Intuitive. Jim took care of bills, repairs, yard work, car maintenance, driving, and chauffeuring, etc. I cook, counsel, teach, clean, plan and write. Observing preference-switching in times of stress has grabbed my counseling and MBTI (Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator) attention. But before I continue, I asked a blog-reader if she thought it would be a good idea to introduce my blog this week by beginning with a P. S. finishing the snake story. She urged me to do so. Feelers need approval.

When the children told their daddy, “Mommy shot a snake”, Jim asked “With what?” When I said

Information gathering:

Jim was (Sensing) hands-on, mechanical, facts and figures, liked repetition; focused on today.

I’m (Intuitive) mind-on, ideas, reasons, goals, teacher, counselor, writer; focus on tomorrow.

Decision Making:

With his absence, I have to intentionally stop and remind myself that when I’m doing Jim-jobs, learning to use his tools, I need to slow down, read the directions and consider facts and figures to cover all the bases before making a decision. I’m blessed to have several thinking sensing people as resources to double check.

Jim’s Thinking (head-logic) and (Sensing) feet on the ground were good for a church because he wasn’t easily pushed around and he kept the church financially in the black. The majority of pastors are Intuitive and Feeling. Counseling with members was not Jim’s favorite thing. He tended to say “This is what you should do. When you do that, come back.” He deferred most of the counseling to me. Thinkers feel weak when they succumb to feeling decisions or change their minds. Even though Feeling was Jim’s least preferred preference, because of his definite spiritual calling and daily close walk with the Lord, he was always very kind, gentle, encouraging and generous with his concern and willingness to help with anything anyone needed. But accessing the feeling preference for very long was draining.

The make-up of God-designed personalities amazes me. It’s like mixing up a hundred distinctive colors. Even people with the exact temperament wear it differently. Understanding the qualities of others is emphatically worth the time to study and employ. We can get along with anyone if we take time to understand how that person has been designed and value them as they are. I’m learning that our personalities are equipped to handle a lot more than we ever dreamed.

Have a question or comment? e-mail ruthjimward@gmail.com

A life-lesson from the gun-sight story: We can have everything we need but without sight-on, we miss. “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross…” Heb. 12:2 (NIV)

When our world around us feels shaky, may we turn our eyes

to God—the eternal rock that will never be destroyed.

Father, thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for

strength to trust in you even when I don’t understand what’s going on.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youth grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isa. 40:29-31 (NIV)

I am finding encouragement from Rob Bell’s book “What we Talk About When We Talk About God” in facing hard/difficult times to compare it with a tree with deep roots when a storm comes, being so well grounded that it doesn’t break but merely bends. That’s what God does for us.